The Perfect Job For Me

I am currently unemployed. One could even say I am chronically unemployed. I have thought of several jobs which I would be perfect for. Please contact me with openings in the following fields...Test model for eyebrow plucking. Perhaps a chain of them marketed to women over 50 who can no longer see their eyebrows close enough to pluck them.

Color naming. Forget boring, predictable names. Orangutan Orange, Positively Perfect Pale Plum, Baby Blinking Blue. I'll be up all night thinking up more of these...

Writing crazy passwords for people to type into the comment section of the blogs...usually it says something although it's careful to be cryptic and not too obvious...is there really someone who does not see it on their screen?

Parking cars. I have lots of experience in Italy.

Street naming. If I named streets, subdivisions would have a "theme" like Camelot. Sir Lancelot Lane, King Arthur Avenue, Sword Street (say that 5 times fast!).

Worst case scenario planning. It would be kind of like pre-planned funeral arrangements...it ends in disaster but preparing for it is half the fun.

List making. If it's worth doing, it's worth doing it with a list.

Now do your own perfect job description in the comment section.

Don't Worry, Your Car is Okay

Dear Dan,
There's been a little "incidente" (Italian for 'accident') tonight. Don't worry, your car is okay. This was my evening:
Since you were out of town, I agreed to watch Justis and Nia after school. I planned to take them to Mutual with me tonight while Andi and Jason did their Choffee thing in Portland. For dinner I made the kids and I a Bertolli (pasta in a red sauce with chicken breast) since they had liked it before and I was not in the mood for corn dogs, mac & cheese or eating out. Nia ate well but I had let Justis fill up on ice cream, fishies, oreos, etc. so he fussed about eating. All bribes and threats were unsuccessful, and since he had been sick earlier in the week I decided not to force feed him.
I went upstairs to change into church clothes (it was an Easter Program at the Stake Center) and told the kids to brush their teeth. They were confused... "Why do you have to brush your teeth if it's not bedtime?", but they complied.
We went in your car to the Stake Center, arriving 10 minutes early. Stepping out of the car, about to go around to get Justis out of the car when "URP" goes Nia. Don't worry, your car is okay. She urped on the ground right next to your car.
There was no warning, complaining of feeling sick, etc. URP...all over the parking lot where people would walk. It was a Stake Activity and the parking lot was full of people. I had to clean it up somehow. I would go into more details about how hard it is to clean up vomit from an asphalt parking lot but I will spare you the details.
I had to leave them alone out there while I ran inside to get paper towels. I cleaned up fairly well, but what to do with the dripping, smelly paper towels? I found some baggies we had for the dog, whew. Okay? No, more urping. Another trip inside to get more paper towels. Both kids were in tears and I was wondering what I was doing in this situation. Just lucky I guess.
When we were fairly sure the urping was done we got into the car and went to their home. (As you remember we had just had the carpets cleaned from Justis' turn with the bug). I laid Nia's coat on her lap and told her if she got sick again to throw up into her coat. She was horrified at the thought so I began to take off my jacket to give to her. She said she would just "hold it". She wisely sensed it would be a bad idea to throw up in your car.
We made it home with no urping and she went straight to bed. I prepared a bowl and towel just in case and she urped several more times. Through this all I stayed pretty calm and knew things could have been worse. I stayed with her in her room, held her hair back when she urped some more. I read to Justis and spent some time watching them sleep... it was actually a very special bonding time. It made me a little nostalgic, wishing I could go back in time to sit and watch our kids sleep at this age...We're so blessed.
So...all's well that ends with no urping in your car.
Love, your wife (and protector of all things red and sporty) beverly

Hot Party? Fire Extinguisher Required!

No dinner party can be complete without a proper centerpiece. This is what I learned in Relief Society Tuesday night. The teacher showed how to use candles, fabrics and greenery to make the perfect centerpiece for our holiday buffet. I had 24 hours to make a dozen pies and souffles, clean the house, set up tables for 30 or so guests and create a knock them dead centerpiece.
Early the next morning I trekked to Target and Michael's. I spent about $100. Ouch. But hey, I NEEDED a centerpiece for our party. It was the day before Thanksgiving and the decoration would last through all of the holidays.
As Ward Missionaries we had invited our Gospel Essentials class...investigators, new members, part members and some leaders.
I wish I had a picture of the finished product. It was an absolute work of art! On our large island in the kitchen, using cardboard boxes I made different levels. The boxes were covered with lame, netting, bows and greenery. Candles of every sort, (unscented of course:) in holders, trays and candlesticks were the final touch. The lights were dimmed and the candles lit as guests began to arrive.
It was Pie Night. All pie, all night. Pizza, souffles and pie. Lots of it.
We could not eat as much pie as I anticipated, but we ate as much as we could. Afterwards we moved to the living room for games. We were having a great time, 20-30 minutes into the game, when our friend said calmly "I think your kitchen is on fire".
When they say "Do not leave candles unattended" they really mean it. Where once a masterpiece of a centerpiece had stood, there were now 3 foot flames reaching to the ceiling. The candles on the bottom had burned to the level of the cardboard boxes and fabric nearby igniting the whole decor.
My first thought: "How embarrassing!"
Dan's first thought: "Hey! I get to use my fire extinguisher!"
Before I could suggest a less messy approach and a solution that would spare at least some of the pies...he had the pin out and was liberally spraying the whole area. Fire extinguishers put out fires really well. They put out parties too.
Once the excitement was over and the result was more than offers of "Can I help you clean up?" were meant to cover people began making their excuses to leave. I envisioned my whole reputation (reputation for what I'm not sure) being destroyed and people whispering at church "Did you hear that Sister Jensen caught her house on fire during a party?" I was devastated.
Brother Rogers, a new convert, diffused the tension as he left. "Wow, it's been a while since I've been to a party that we burned something up!"
Suddenly I could see, I would look back on this one day and laugh.
"That's right! Be sure to tell everyone. The Jensen's know how to throw a party!"
All of the pies were destroyed. It took hours to clean up the mess and months before we removed the soot from the ceiling...
Sunday when I walked into church no one bothered to whisper. I was famous for throwing The Party of the year. Not a bad reputation to have.

Key, Key, Who Has the Key?

Oh, for the good old days when you lost a key you went down to the hardware store and had another made for a dollar...

When we bought the Lexus we were assigned our own "key". I use quotation marks because this is not a key in the traditional sense because it is not inserted into anything. It is a small device that sends out an electronic signal which is required to open the doors or start the car with the push of a button. The key also adjusts the seats automatically, according to whose key is being used.

About a month ago I noticed that my Lexus key was missing. I didn't worry about it much at first. I figured it was in one of my purses or coat pockets so I just used Dan's key. Weeks later I got around to looking for it, soon it became an obsession. I looked at least twice through all the coats in both coat closets (we have enough to keep a small country warm), purses, pants, suits coats, etc. I looked through mine and Dan's because sometimes we use each others keys. I was not positive this was my fault. In fact, the more I looked the more I became convinced that it was Dan's fault because I looked in every conceivable place - and some inconceivable ones as well. Under couches, drawers, scripture cases, suit cases...I looked everywhere!

I gave up looking and bought a replacement key on eBay ($100). Additionally there is a charge of $80 to have it "programed". Experience shows this is the prerequisite to finding the lost item and that is exactly what happened.

Friday night we decided to go with Andi and the kids to a "Glow in the Dark" mini-golf at the mall. I was looking through my closet for something with a little bit of white. In the back of my closet I saw a sweat jacket which I rarely wear. You guessed it, a lump in the pocket and there it was! I had searched every other pocket in that closet!

I decided to play a little joke and left the key in Dan's top drawer. It is too high for me to see into and had been his assignment to search. I thought he would find it and know I put it there and we would have a little laugh.

Dan was getting his wallet when I heard him start to laugh. It was his really loud laugh. I figured he had found the key and knew I had played the joke on him. When he came downstairs I questioned him. He said it was nothing. I was left wondering if he had found the key. I didn't let on to my little secret though.

Later, I checked his drawer and the key was no longer there so he must have found it. He asked me a suspicious question about what jacket I had worn so I checked my pocket. Sure enough! He had put it there. So, I put it in one of his coat pockets and am waiting for him to find it there. That will be the end of the gig...but I'm going to act innocent.

Key, key. Who has the key?

Snow Dance Works Again!

Snowku
Distracted snowflakes.
Hesitate. Accumulate.
Drift gently to ground.

Wow! Can you believe almost 10 inches already? We're very excited here with the promise of defeating the cries of global warming this week with an Arctic Chill forecast and more snow on the way.

SNOW. SNOW. SNOW!

The Jensen Snow Dance Tradition

I'm not sure when the snow dance tradition started, but it has grown and evolved over the years. It is key to do the snow dance when the weather is looking and "feeling" like snow. Forecasts for snow are a plus. This increases the level of faith for the Snow Dance, thus increasing its likelihood.
The snow dance is performed similar to an Indian Rain Dance. Simply hop and dance in a circle while moving your arms like snowflakes.
We did not have a "snow chant" until this year. I wanted to ramp it up...

Snow, snow, we want snow.
Snow, snow, let's go!
Snow, snow, please come.
Snow, snow, its lots of fun.
Snow! Snow! Snow! SNOW!

Some of the Jensen's best snow memories:

In Mt. Vista next to the Drapers...

• We had a very steep driveway. It was the best hill ever for sledding with pine bushes and garage doors at the bottom. Our kids hit the Drapers garage and they hit ours.
• It looked like so much fun! Once, I went down the hill and hit the drain bump. I caught some air and broke my tail bone! I was in pain for weeks. Wisely, that was the last time I went sledding.
• The kids and I would watch out the girls window as Dad would try to make it up the driveway so he could go to work. We always hoped he wouldn't make it. He would start in the garage, rev up the engine then take off. Half way up the hill he would lose traction and the car would start rolling back down the driveway.
• One year there was an "Arctic Chill". We had a lot of snow plus freezing temperatures, it was really too cold to play in. We had the Foltz children over since school was canceled and the kids had lots of fun. It lasted almost a week.
• The same Arctic Chill froze our fountain, waterfalls and ponds. Because Dad was out of town I went to a tack store to get a "cattle trough heater" in a vain attempt to keep it thawed. The kids went out every hour or so to try to break up the ice but it was a lost cause. I'm sure they all remember that!

Sunriver...

• The snow was part of the attraction of Sunriver. There were sledding hills and Mt. Bachelor to ski. The kids were still beginners when I took them skiing. It was great! There was virtually no one else skiing. That's when we got hit with a blizzard. Angel's ski came off, others skis were not properly bound and with other complications we had to be rescued off the hill.
• The hot tub was especially fun when there was snow. The kids would wear their boots out to the hot tub.

The teen years...

• The kids were not allowed to drive in the snow. I think Dad took them to a parking lot to get a feel for it, but we didn't let them drive on the roads.
• One year Andi prayed for snow. Snow fell more often than any other year. Each time it snowed a major dance at school or church had to be canceled. New Years, Preference, Valentines...a great teaching moment on what to pray for!

The mission...see above picture...

The first winter of the mission I could feel snow in the air. We didn't watch news or forecasts, this was strictly a gut feeling. I invited the office Elders to do the Snow Dance with me. Within a day or two it snowed! They were duly impressed! It was only a few inches but hey, snow is snow. That was the only snow of the mission and it is very rare for Italy

So, keep up the tradition everyone. Do the Snow Dance!

The Conundrum of Halloween Candy

Do you buy the candy you like so you can eat the leftovers...or buy what you don't like so you won't eat the leftovers? What a conundrum!