The Perfect Job For Me

I am currently unemployed. One could even say I am chronically unemployed. I have thought of several jobs which I would be perfect for. Please contact me with openings in the following fields...Test model for eyebrow plucking. Perhaps a chain of them marketed to women over 50 who can no longer see their eyebrows close enough to pluck them.

Color naming. Forget boring, predictable names. Orangutan Orange, Positively Perfect Pale Plum, Baby Blinking Blue. I'll be up all night thinking up more of these...

Writing crazy passwords for people to type into the comment section of the blogs...usually it says something although it's careful to be cryptic and not too obvious...is there really someone who does not see it on their screen?

Parking cars. I have lots of experience in Italy.

Street naming. If I named streets, subdivisions would have a "theme" like Camelot. Sir Lancelot Lane, King Arthur Avenue, Sword Street (say that 5 times fast!).

Worst case scenario planning. It would be kind of like pre-planned funeral arrangements...it ends in disaster but preparing for it is half the fun.

List making. If it's worth doing, it's worth doing it with a list.

Now do your own perfect job description in the comment section.

Don't Worry, Your Car is Okay

Dear Dan,
There's been a little "incidente" (Italian for 'accident') tonight. Don't worry, your car is okay. This was my evening:
Since you were out of town, I agreed to watch Justis and Nia after school. I planned to take them to Mutual with me tonight while Andi and Jason did their Choffee thing in Portland. For dinner I made the kids and I a Bertolli (pasta in a red sauce with chicken breast) since they had liked it before and I was not in the mood for corn dogs, mac & cheese or eating out. Nia ate well but I had let Justis fill up on ice cream, fishies, oreos, etc. so he fussed about eating. All bribes and threats were unsuccessful, and since he had been sick earlier in the week I decided not to force feed him.
I went upstairs to change into church clothes (it was an Easter Program at the Stake Center) and told the kids to brush their teeth. They were confused... "Why do you have to brush your teeth if it's not bedtime?", but they complied.
We went in your car to the Stake Center, arriving 10 minutes early. Stepping out of the car, about to go around to get Justis out of the car when "URP" goes Nia. Don't worry, your car is okay. She urped on the ground right next to your car.
There was no warning, complaining of feeling sick, etc. URP...all over the parking lot where people would walk. It was a Stake Activity and the parking lot was full of people. I had to clean it up somehow. I would go into more details about how hard it is to clean up vomit from an asphalt parking lot but I will spare you the details.
I had to leave them alone out there while I ran inside to get paper towels. I cleaned up fairly well, but what to do with the dripping, smelly paper towels? I found some baggies we had for the dog, whew. Okay? No, more urping. Another trip inside to get more paper towels. Both kids were in tears and I was wondering what I was doing in this situation. Just lucky I guess.
When we were fairly sure the urping was done we got into the car and went to their home. (As you remember we had just had the carpets cleaned from Justis' turn with the bug). I laid Nia's coat on her lap and told her if she got sick again to throw up into her coat. She was horrified at the thought so I began to take off my jacket to give to her. She said she would just "hold it". She wisely sensed it would be a bad idea to throw up in your car.
We made it home with no urping and she went straight to bed. I prepared a bowl and towel just in case and she urped several more times. Through this all I stayed pretty calm and knew things could have been worse. I stayed with her in her room, held her hair back when she urped some more. I read to Justis and spent some time watching them sleep... it was actually a very special bonding time. It made me a little nostalgic, wishing I could go back in time to sit and watch our kids sleep at this age...We're so blessed.
So...all's well that ends with no urping in your car.
Love, your wife (and protector of all things red and sporty) beverly